Some are born afraid of clowns. Some grown into a fear of clowns. And some have a fear of clowns thrust upon them. I am part of the latter group, and this — this is my story.
I went into the movie It thinking, “Come at me, clowns,” and I left the theater unable to walk.
Aside from that, there were several other things I could not do after my Pennywise Surprise. Let’s discuss.
1. I could not associate with storm drains.
2. I could not wear a red lip.
3. I could not look at children, for fear that one of them would be innocent (or stupid) enough to crawl into a storm drain inhabited by a clown talking about popcorn.
4. I could not indulge in yellow rainwear.
5. I could not listen to Modest Mouse’s “Float On.”
6. I could not, in good conscience, name my boat the “S.S. Georgie.”
7. I (still) could not understand why boats are always girls.
8. I could not enter my local library and, as a result, have incurred several fees. Stephen King, you can expect my bill.
9. Easter eggs — no thank you.
10. I could not figure out why I was still attracted to Bill Skarsgård.
11. I could not fathom why basements exist.
12. I could not open the fridge without worrying that a clown had taken the place of my cheese pile.
13. I could not care less about what’s on the other side of a door labeled “Not Scary.”
14. I could not stomach structurally-unsound houses.
15. I could not casually talk to my sink drain.
16. I could not operate an old-timey project.
17. I could not avoid looking through family photos, to make sure that my mom was not in fact a clown all along.
18. I could not hang with my buds in our community’s sewer system.
19. I could not look at paintings and trust that they would stay paintings.
20. I could not fucking float.
21. AND DON’T YOU DARE COME AT ME WITH A RED BALLOON.