A celibate Kris Aquino as president will eradicate poverty in PH

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By Ellen Tordesillas

I cannot imagine the Philippines without Kris Aquino. It would be boring.

I want Kris Aquino for President.

Everybody talks about the need for out-of-the box solutions to the problem of poverty that is the lot of almost a third of the country’s 99 million population. Kris Aquino has found the solution: don’t have sex and you will be blessed with money beyond your dreams.

In an interview last Tuesday with best friend Boy Abunda in her classy all-white house, Aquino couldn’t contain her joy for all the blessings coming her way: the box-office success of the movie of her son, Bimby, even if critics said it was inane (one critic said it was “contempt for the audience”); a hefty new contract with ABS-CBN after she floated the rumor that she was considering the job offer of businessman Manny V. Pangilinan to head TV5; plus many more.

These are her choice quotes:

"Ngayon ko na-realize pala talaga na it's possible na 'yung kaligayahan mo it doesn't come pala from fulfillment sa sarili but it comes from seeing people loving your child. Sinabi ko nga, nagdarasal ako, 'God, ano ba ang nagawa kong bongga para ibigay mo ito kay Bimb?' Kasi hindi ba nasa Biblia 'yon na kung ano ang itanim mo bilang magulang 'yon ang aanihin ng anak. So sabi ko, 'Thank you God.'"

"Kasi siguro mabait ako, kasi siguro celibate ako, sorry I have to say, let's be honest. ... I'm just saying na siguro parang alam ko kung ano ang priorities in life ko and siguro talaga kung ano ang pinakamahalaga sa iyo, 'yun ang ipagkakaloob sa iyo ng Diyos at ang pinakamahalaga sa akin ay 'yung dalawang anak ko."

"I know my priorities siguro kaya na bi-blessed because I don't have sex."

Let’s try to follow Kris’ logic: she is blessed –so rich, she is one of the country’s top taxpayers - because she is mabait. That means the Filipinos living in poverty with no roof over their heads, the children scavenging for food are not mabait.

She said she is blessed because she doesn’t have sex. That means all those poor people are having an active sex life. And all those who are having an active sex life are not blessed.

Such genius. Only a Kris Aquino could have come up with that theory..

So if Kris becomes president, she will be a good example of population control. No sex, no more children. We will all be rich and blessed. Hurray! Kris Aquino for President.

With Kris Aquino in Malacañang, there will be complete transparency (who needs the Freedom of Information law?). Nothing will be taboo for her: from the color of her underwear (In her “Morning Girl” show with Korina Sanchez in 2004, she even revealed without any prodding the color of her panty) to her quarrels with her lovers (In 2003, she related on TV her bedroom fight with live-in partner, actor Joey Marquez. She said "Sinasabi nila that I grabbed at his genitals. I did. I wanted to crush it.”)

You would think her “Joey you gave me STD” would be difficult to top? You will be surprised with what Kris can come up with in the future.

With Kris Aquino as president, it will not only be more fun in the Philippines. It will be a much-blessed Philippines.