Moises: Should I get back with my ex?

·3 min read

NADINE: Hi, Singlestalk. My ex wants to reconcile with me. This is already the third time. The first time he broke up with me was because he wanted to prioritize his studies. We were still in college at that time. He was vying for the highest Latin honors. We got back after graduation. But he broke my heart again when he said he could not cope with a long-distance relationship. The audit firm assigned him to Makati just before the pandemic. Now he’s back in town and wants us to reconcile. Should I still take him back?

DJ: Do you still love him? You deserve to have a stable, secure and healthy relationship with someone who genuinely loves you. Before you think about getting back together with your ex, I suggest you determine first whether it’s really a relationship you want and that you’re not going back to a relationship that is unhealthy and one sided. I understand. When we love someone, we believe in the best in them. So, before you slap a label again on things, I have a few suggestions to think about whether getting back together is the best thing for you both.

Is there anything more alluring than “The One That Got Away?.” Probably not. Maybe your ex just lost his way and forgot just how important you are to him. But is he showing that he understands the things he did wrong and he’s taking accountability for his part of the break-up? I don’t recommend that you allow your ex to just quickly sweep old issues under the rug. There’s a difference between a man who says “I want you in my life back” and a man who admits his flaws and becomes better because he can’t imagine his life without you.

Figure out what you really want. No matter what you do, try not to make the mistake of getting back together without laying your cards out on the table. What do you need in the relationship? Have a really good talk. It matters that you both have a true understanding of the narrative of what broke you up. Be on the same page, too, about what needs to change. If you still love him, hopefully you are not letting what you know you deserve be overshadowed by the want to have him back in your life. Have you both grown?

You are not thinking about having a real fresh start. You’ve already dated since college. If ever you’ll get back together, you are building on the past relationship. Not a start of something new. View him objectively. Recollect on the significant events that happened in the past—both the good and the bad. The exercise can help you separate fact from fantasy. Don’t ignore the red flags. They can crop up again. If there’s no change in behavior, it’s likely for mistakes to be repeated, too. It’s best to be ahead of the curve this time around. Leverage on the learnings from the last two chapters. That’s key for things to change for the better this time around. Are you both willing to make the changes?

Think about the real reasons you want your ex back. Yes, there is a chance to have more success with round three. Keep in mind, though, that he’s still fundamentally the same person. It’s an easy decision if you truly know your worth. No matter where you go in life, if you know who you are and you know what you can offer, you will never tolerate relationships that make you feel less. You will automatically remove yourself from any situation where you are not wanted and appreciated.

Even if it’s with someone you love, know that settling is still settling. You will only find the love you deserve when you don’t just settle. Life is short. Never waste it being on endless reruns.

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