Moises: Blind love not the way to choose spouse

·4 min read

Zeus: Hi, Singlestalk. I’m turning my back to who I am to be what I need to be. I’m 37, engaged to a great woman I am not in love with. We’re both from political clans south of the Philippines where people look at you and say, “You’re a handsome dude. Where’s the woman?” But I am gay and in a relationship with my college buddy. No one knows. This is the first time I brought this up to someone other than him. Thank you. The wedding was postponed many times thanks to the pandemic. But with the easing of restrictions, time to man up. Just in time for the local election, too. I am leaving my greatest love for my greatest ambition. Will I live happily ever after?

DJ: Seems like you’re not at peace yet with your decision to trade your freedom for a closet. Sure, it’s high-quality design and craftsmanship. An architectural dream. Still, it is a closet. And it can break your heart, too. I imagine this to be a gut-wrenching and soul-crushing situation. Because you said you’re gay, I assume you have already accepted your identity and the stress comes from a self-concept that’s increasingly different from perceived expectation of you. For now, it’s just a sense because you’re not really certain whether people will accept or reject your identity.

Sorry to disappoint you but I won’t say you should marry her or you should not marry her. The more important question here is what’s the role of marriage for you? Guys marrying for the sake of the company, support and security it offers rather than for true attraction isn’t new. There are also those who see marriage as a rite of passage. The next step in a relationship. Then babies. They’re not necessarily wrong. Your ambition is valid as well. But is that what you want to be? Or is that what you want others to see? What is her role in your life? And is she aware of these inclusions in the contract? She’s about to sign it with her life. Is it companionship? Completion? A cover-up? My opinion? Blind love is not the way to choose a spouse.

Because you said you do not love her, are you saying you’re not emotionally compatible with her? I won’t assume so I’ll also ask if you’re physically compatible with her. If you answer no to both, why are you marrying her? Of course, it’s possible that she’ll turn out to be responsible, caring, perceptive and loving. Then you’ll see her in a way you never did before. However, it’s also possible that you won’t despite all her efforts. Emotional, even mental, connection can’t be forced at the end of the day. Now this has a sticky implication not to mention possibly an emotional drain. A healthy relationship is a safe space to be who you are. If you’re afraid to express you real thoughts and true feelings, this looks like a problem in the long run. My thoughts? Entering into marriage expecting for it to change you is often not the way to start.

Will you be betraying yourself? You need to be emotionally available to her once you’re married. Hiding your real self can zap your energy off from things that matter. Will she be happy in this one-sided marriage? People who care about you want to know the real you, not the edited you. Happiness can mutate to feelings of insecurity and frustration if all she gets over time is less than what she deserves. Good relationships thrive in honesty and trust. And will you be thinking “what if’ every single day for the rest of your life? In whatever you do, don’t be the wrong person. And settle only with the right one.

Whether a person is straight or is in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, it’s sad to let others play way too big of a part in a life changing decision. Except for extreme cases involving abuse, for example, breaking-up with a person you think is the right life partner or to be compelled to stick to one for the sake of expectations is ultimately your choice to make. The good thing is the future is yet to come. You are here in the present, making a decision, hopefully not debunking who you are for a ring. There is no perfect time to be authentic. Not even a perfect reason. But if you want to live with the person who is you, that is reason enough. The email you sent might just be holding the key. Consider looking for it to unlock your situation and set you free.

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