Moises: Finding out too late that he loves him

@FOOLISHHEART: Hi, Singlestalk. I have had a best friend since prep school. We’re like brothers. Our moms were the best of friends, too. We also live in the same village. When we were in high school, he came out to me telling me that he loved me. I wasn’t ready for it. I said no. Including the possibility of us being together. It broke his heart. Still, we remained friends. After one serious relationship with a woman, however, I realized that I am gay, too. And now that I carved a name for myself as a software engineer, I’m ready to take a risk and be who I am. Should I tell him first? Looks like I’m too late. He’s already taken. Should I still tell him I love him too?

DJ: Man, your love for him is a lot like a backache! It didn’t show up on X-rays. But it’s just there. Seriously, coming out is a brave thing to do. And it’s cool that you’re taking the first step — coming out to yourself. Not everyone comes out in the same way. Should you have a gender reveal party where you’ll blow a bubble gum corresponding to the color of where you are in the rainbow spectrum? I did my research. There is no right or wrong way. It’s up to you.

Coming out to someone who’s compassionate and open-minded is key. I believe he fits the criteria. He’s your close friend, not just the cause why you have a goofy smile plastered on your face. He’s been through the process, too. He’ll understand what you’re going through. What I suggest, though, is for you to first make sure it is because of you and your identity. It’s not about achieving external validation. And it shouldn’t be about winning him back. This will keep your heart from being scarred if he happens to be your sweet good morning, your lovely good night but your most painful goodbye. How he feels about you is already beyond your control. He’s already in a relationship. His reaction is a reflection of how he feels. It’s not about you.

Taking risks involves straying out of your comfort zone and stepping into the unknown. It involves facing your fears and taking a leap of faith. Especially if you want to live a life centered on thriving, not just surviving. Doing something risky allows you for the possibility of living the life of your dreams. No one wants to live with what ifs and if only’s at the end of the day. It’s been said that most of people’s regrets come from the things they failed to do rather than the things they did. So, should you now go and find your best friend on a white horse? Why? Is he stuck on an island or something?

I don’t normally recommend that you infringe upon someone else’s relationship. What makes his case even more complex is because he can’t be married or engaged to be married. If his love is blind, he can’t have the real eye opener. Seriously though, such a vulnerable set-up should be reason enough for you to respect his partner and their relationship. This shows that you’re actually a good friend and that you wish only good things for him. But if you think he’s happy and is truly in love with his partner, go ahead and confess if it means you will get your closure. People in relationships get confessions as much as people not in a relationship. Your call. What I don’t recommend is for you to do it so he will leave him for you. Don’t ask him to lend you a kiss after you promised to give it back. I believe in someone — regardless of gender identity — to go for broke when it comes to love. But not to anyone’s peril. I don’t know if you want to move on but you do need to expand your friend circle and support network.

Emotions aren’t always logical. It’s the kind of fire that’s not covered by insurance. Attraction is often a mystery. Love is the most beautiful thing. But it has its challenges too whether a person feels too much, not much at all or doesn’t know how to handle whatever feelings he or she has. It’s something you’ll have to work on every day. But I hope you will continue to choose your own happiness. And I pray that you always decide to love yourself rather than wait for someone to choose you.