Wendy: Hi, Singlestalk! Casper and I started our relationship amid fireworks signaling the start of 2020. He is a model. I work in an ad agency. Because it is mostly an LDR given the distance and the lockdown, he was slowly, quietly transitioning into the light winds. The messages and calls got fewer and fewer. Then they stopped. I reached out countless times and got no reply. He was missing, not me, but my calls. It’s been three months since he moved to the unseen world. I’m certain he isn’t lying dead in a ditch somewhere. There are nights when I can’t help but cry. Where did I go wrong? What did I do that made him change his mind completely? Tell me.
DJ: You’ve been ghosted. Casper cut off all communication without explanation. It’s heartbreaking. You don’t know the cause or even how to react. You’re like the lower body half of a “manananggal” (self-segmenter) left standing in a cold, empty, dark space. And I will do my best not to put salt into the wound.
Going through a devastating heartbreak years ago, I consulted Google and learned that the pain of rejection and that of a body injury activate the same region of the brain. That’s why folks numb the hurt by drinking Gran Matador brandy. But this isn’t something that I recommend. Relief is only temporary and the eventual forceful expulsion of the contents in your stomach will leave nothing in you except regret.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Not everybody who dates someone wants to be in a long-lasting relationship. And because it was LDR for the most part, it’s a lot easier for him to move on and shop for the next person because there are fewer social consequences for doing so. Besides, those with avoidant types of personalities are likely to use ghosting to initiate a break-up. No drama. No questions asked. No need to provide answers. It’s even said that those who end relationships by ghosting have often been ghosted themselves. So, it’s not really you. It’s him.
Will he ever come back? My opinion? No. While you deserve a rationale, you likely won’t get one. You were robbed of a closure and the sooner you accept this, the better.
Reading from your email, I assumed you’ve reached out enough. Under no circumstance will I suggest that you send those long messages asking for an explanation, for an acceptable reason. Even if it feels good at the moment. This can seem harsh but it can put a period to this chapter and restore the feeling of control over your life. When you spend so much time waiting for a ghost, you are also ghosting what can be the best parts you can create out of your life.
I’m nudging you to block him off and shift your focus on your own health, happiness and future. Casper is a model and he can manifest in various forms in social media even if he is now physically gone from your life. But stay glued to your work or a hobby, pursue an interest or travel now that Covid-19 alert levels are easing up. Rebuild and improve the remarkable life you had before he came along. What happened tells you more about who he is and his shortcomings. People with a healthy self-esteem tend to demonstrate behaviors that are respectful. Reframe your ideas about him. He violated the contract as swiftly as the red, orange, purple colors of the fireworks that exploded and vanished in the sky on New Year’s Eve. That includes mutual respect, good communication and love. He is not the right person for you. Leave him to deal with the ultimate repercussions of his actions.
It’s hard not to feel regret. Someone you care so much cares so little to even show some respect for a goodbye. Coping takes time. But you are strong and whole even before Casper came into your life. Continue to be your own hero. Notice other dudes in costume this Halloween and trust that you can sort through a heap of emotions with family and friends who matter to you. You matter to them. Hold your head up high and let the ghost fade into eternity. In this story, remember that you’re the queen. Casper is a commoner.