Moises: I’m still in love with my best friend

·3 min read

R: Hi, Singlestalk. I am in a four-year relationship with a woman who can be my wife. She’s smart and successful in her career. Given all that she’s accomplished, she remains humble and generous to her family. My problem is I was on an MU with my best friend from high school to college. I ghosted him before graduation when he told me he’s got feelings for me. Blocked him on social media too. It’s been years and now I admit that I love him. I still miss him every day. I plan to propose to my girlfriend this December. There will be no turning back when it happens. Should I reach out to my best friend one final time?

DJ: Some people claim that the best way to get over someone is to be with someone else. More often than not, this is easier said than done. It can be difficult to act like everything is normal when the truth is, you are stuck with the past. It’s sad that even if your girlfriend has the brains and a heart of gold, there’s still something lacking that you are longing for from your best bud. What is it? Why do you want to reach out to him? Are you possibly confused because what you feel is contrary to what you believe and value?

Having a crush on another person is quite normal even for people who are dating. It’s also not unusual for some people to start a relationship with a clean slate when it comes to love. What complicates stuff is when you’re unhappy with your girlfriend. Does your relationship unceasingly feel like a second-best or something that doesn’t measure up? Because if you are happy and satisfied, you won’t really miss someone else every day. It matters that you figure out the source of your attraction to your friend. There’s a psychological component why you want someone you can’t seem to have. But is your attraction to your best bud sexual or romantic? If ever it is, then you’ve got a red flag.

Ideally, you should have accepted that the friendship ran its course when you ghosted him. Okay, bonds were formed and there were shared memories together. But through the years you should have already packed those memories to form new ones. If you’re hung up on the past rather than the future, when you keep on revisiting it even when you’re already with someone for four years now, you might just be challenged to keep a healthy relationship with anyone else unless this one gets the closure it demands. A person who is dwelling on what once was and is carrying it in his heart like an eternal flame has not obviously moved on.

It took me three weeks to process your situation thus my delayed response. It’s a tough one. Dude, I hate to break this to you, but it sounds like your girlfriend can never be what you want. Before you even consider putting a ring around her finger and making things permanent, think about how much your decision will affect you and her not only in 10 days but in 10 months and even in 10 years. Loving someone from your past isn’t necessarily wrong. What makes it wrong is to keep dating your girlfriend and you haven’t dealt with your feelings or using her while you’re trying to temper your feelings of loneliness. If you’re not able to leave your best bud behind and it’s been years now, then you probably shouldn’t have been dating. Wanting to be with your best bud every day is a deal breaker in my opinion. I think it makes sense for you and your girlfriend to be with someone else so you can build a relationship you both deserve.

It’s not nice to play with someone’s heart. Go forth and be brave, dude.