Moises: A relationship that tastes so bland

·4 min read

X: Hi, Singlestalk. My girlfriend is boring. Don’t get me wrong. She’s physically attractive and has impeccable taste in clothing and accessories. But I want someone who can converse about topics other than make-up, K-dramas and IG selfies. She’s super pretty. Much like a Bolognese spaghetti with Italian meat sauce, lots of bacon, tomatoes and Parmesan cheese. Once you have a fork full of it, however, you’d think you’ve got Covid! So bland. Someone’s very wrong. What will I do, man?

DJ: Don’t you think she might be keeping you around because she’s bored, too? Seriously, why do you have exquisite fashion sense but can’t point out to her what exactly you need for a partner? Don’t get me wrong, man. I feel you. A cool conversation and falling in love start about the same to me. I only open my mouth when there’s something to say that’s more beautiful than the silence. Yeah, there’s real magic when you move deeper and deeper away from the surface and see a world in a way we could not have on our own. But think about this, too—at times boredom strikes not necessarily because the person we are with is boring but because the person that we are is just bored.

Every person is novel when we pay attention. More so when we love. Why are you not satisfied? When the flow of discussion is stuck to just the spaghetti you had for lunch, then the relationship turns pale like it didn’t have breakfast and is about to faint anytime! It’s easy to tell people that communication is important. The real question is how? This is not easy-peasy particularly if both of you are not comfortable talking about your real thoughts and feelings. Everyone’s boundaries are different. Let’s focus on one person you have the most control—you. How open and truthful are you?

I liken a good conversation to a tennis match. It flows naturally back and forth. No awkward silence. And it doesn’t overwhelm like wanting to hold someone’s head underwater and feel the satisfaction when the bubble stops. How good are you at creating emotional intimacy? One big advantage of making time to talk instead of making out right away if you get to scratch deeper beyond the surface. You aren’t just scratching an itch. Call it bae-sesh. It makes you feel closer to each other. Hey, both of you might be so caught up with work. Too tired to even just talk. You may be glued to your MacBook Air while she’s plugged with her AirPods watching “Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha.” Deliberately talk about meaningful topics like spending habits, priorities, insights after a recent development at work, places you want to explore or goals to address as a couple. When hurt creeps, talking through also puts things on the path to healing. Dude, why don’t you start a conversation by disclosing your browsing history?

Seriously though, when the conversation is vibrant, the relationship is vibrant. Countless research shows that intimacy grows not only the relationship but also the people in it. Every relationship starts with the self. By opening up to another person’s beliefs, feelings, ideology, resources and personality, the unique parts of another person expand the already defined parts of the self. It happens through shared activities, ideas and interests. At one point, you just need to vent. In some instances, you need advice. In other times, you need to feel validated. It helps if you start by telling her something like “I really need your advice on this situation” or “Just let me vent on this.” Doing so keeps both of you aligned on what exactly the need is in that particular moment.

If people are to choose between someone funny looking but interesting and someone pretty but dull, most of us would choose the former. Well, if we think long term. Not for a short time. Humans are wired to connect—HD, 5G, live. The better the connection, the stronger the bond. That’s why communication is key. It unlocks the door to a lasting relationship. It can also lock it and close it until kingdom come. It’s cool that you’re thinking about how you can move this relationship forward. It’s way better than being inside the happiest space on earth—her IG account. Seriously. All the best, man!