There are three weeks remaining in the NFL regular season and just a few days left of hearing Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" everywhere you go. Here's a holiday edition of the ATS rankings breakdown, where I've compared each team to which festive phenomenon it is:
1. Dallas Cowboys 11-3 against the spread (have covered by +59 points)
They lead the league in takeaways and have shown some heart this year. They're the Grinch.
Week 16: (-10.5) vs. Washington Football Team
2. Green Bay Packers 11-3 (+14.5)
You thought you were going to invade Kevin McCallister's home and emerge victorious?
Week 16: (-7) vs. Cleveland Browns
3. New England Patriots 9-5 (+111.5)
Last Christmas, they gave away wins. This year, to save them from tears, they drafted someone special. The Patriots are George Michael.
Week 16: (-2.5) vs. Buffalo Bills
4. Indianapolis Colts 9-5 (+87.5)
After a 1-4 start, these Nutcrackers suddenly came to life, most recently knocking off the evil Mouse King.
Week 16: (+1) at Arizona Cardinals
5. Arizona Cardinals 9-5 (+40)
They've done their damage away from home, heading out to the coast to sweep the NFC West and have some laughs. They're John McClane.
Week 16: (-1) vs. Indianapolis Colts
6. Buffalo Bills 8-6 (+37.5)
The Bills should have won Super Bowl 25. And at least one of 26, 27, or 28. Buffalo is the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Week 16: (+2.5) at New England Patriots
7. Tennessee Titans 8-6 (+23.5)
They're melting away without the magic of their lynchpin, just like Frosty the Snowman.
Week 16: (+3.5) vs. San Francisco 49ers
8. San Francisco 49ers 8-6 (+0.5)
San Francisco traded everything to acquire Trey Lance but aren't using him. It's a real-life Gift of the Magi.
Week 16: (-3.5) at Tennessee Titans
9. Minnesota Vikings 8-6 (+4)
Completely unpredictable, you never know which side of the box score they're going to show up on. They're the Elf on a Shelf.
Week 16: (+3) vs. Los Angeles Rams
10. Detroit Lions 8-6 (-7)
The Lions aren't pretty to look at, but they have character, they're warm, and they can win you money. Detroit is an ugly Christmas sweater.
Week 16: (+6) at Atlanta Falcons
11. Philadelphia Eagles 7-6-1 (+59)
You know a few people who like them, and they're all weirdos. The Eagles are a fruitcake.
Week 16: (-10) vs. New York Giants
12. Cincinnati Bengals 7-7 (+56)
They're on top of the AFC North and it doesn't feel right, kind of like mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Week 16: (-2.5) vs. Baltimore Ravens
13. New Orleans Saints 7-7 (+39.5)
The Saints are Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Jingle All the Way," fighting against all odds to get their hands on the last playoff berth.
Week 16: (-3) vs. Miami Dolphins
14. Denver Broncos 7-7 (+19.5)
Denver is an advent calendar stocked with sugar-free candy.
Week 16: (+1.5) at Las Vegas Raiders
15. Kansas City Chiefs 7-7 (+12)
Patrick Mahomes, Travis Kelce, and Tyreek Hill are the Three Kings of the NFL.
Week 16: (-7.5) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
16. Seattle Seahawks 7-7 (-1)
Seattle is a work party with an insane amount of drama.
Week 16: (-6.5) vs. Chicago Bears
17. Los Angeles Rams 7-7 (-6)
They're all-in and committed to making this work, like George Bailey.
Week 16: (-3) at Minnesota Vikings
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 7-7 (-7.5)
Once the laughing stock of everyone around them, they're riding high as defending champs. The Bucs are Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Week 16: (-10.5) at Carolina Panthers
19. Los Angeles Chargers 7-7 (-9)
An eccentric new kid on the block with an undying spirit, trying to turn around a failing organization. They're Buddy the Elf.
Week 16: (-9.5) at Houston Texans
20. Miami Dolphins 7-7 (-12.5)
This ragtag group of upstarts are creating havoc and growing stronger as it gets late. Don't feed these Gremlins after dark.
Week 16: (+3) at New Orleans Saints
21. New York Giants 6-8 (-11)
Week 16: (+10) at Philadelphia Eagles
22. Baltimore Ravens 6-8 (-16)
Plagued with injuries since training camp, the Ravens are the grandma who got run over by a reindeer.
Week 16: (+2.5) at Cincinnati Bengals
23. Houston Texans 6-8 (-19)
Bland, fragile, and will end up in the trash the instant the season is over. They're a gingerbread house.
Week 16: (+9.5) vs. Los Angeles Chargers
24. Pittsburgh Steelers 6-8 (-35.5)
The Steelers are the bulge that you feel in your Christmas stocking. "Maybe it'll be even better than what I got last year!" Nope. It's a lump of coal.
Week 16: (+7.5) at Kansas City Chiefs
25. Cleveland Browns 6-8 (-41)
They're still hanging around but it's time to give up on them. The Browns are a tree ornament from your ex.
Week 16: (+7) at Green Bay Packers
26. Atlanta Falcons 6-8 (-78.5)
I fall asleep any time they're playing. They're Vince Guaraldi's "A Charlie Brown Christmas" album.
Week 16: (-6) vs. Detroit Lions
27. Washington Football Team 5-8-1 (-13.5)
Washington is room-temperature eggnog.
Week 16: (+10.5) at Dallas Cowboys
28. Carolina Panthers 5-9 (-26)
It's a "Blue Christmas" in Carolina.
Week 16: (+10.5) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
29. Las Vegas Raiders 5-9 (-55.5)
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a once proud and successful franchise turned into "The Star Wars Holiday Special."
Week 16: (-1.5) vs. Denver Broncos
30. Chicago Bears 4-10 (-38.5)
The Bears have overstayed their welcome on prime time, just like Matt Nagy has overstayed his welcome in Chicago. They're Cousin Eddie.
Week 16: (+6.5) at Seattle Seahawks
31. New York Jets 4-10 (-80)
They've been stuck at the bottom of a pole all season like Flick from "A Christmas Story." I triple-dog dare you to bet on them.
Week 16: (-2.5) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
32. Jacksonville Jaguars 4-10 (-95)
They give out gifts to everyone they meet. The Jags are Santa Claus.
Week 16: (+2.5) at New York Jets
Stats provided by teamrankings.com.