An Open Letter to Myself

DEAR You,

First of all, I just want to let you know that I forgive you. I forgive you for never learning how to love a little less, for being so open to people, for being so forgiving and giving out chances to those who don’t seem to deserve them, for being soft and vulnerable. I know that there are times when you look at yourself in the mirror and hate what you see. I know that you try to find every single flaw you can of yourself and compare yourself to others who you perceive to be better than you. I know you are tryingto stay strong for people that you love. For the guy who your heart beats for. Because you believe you should be their anchor. That you should be the one to ground them. But honey, little do you know that all the love you keep giving is the love you should be giving yourself. I know your mind and heart both feel heavy with doubt, anxiety, unappreciation and almost nothing else. I know you are trying so hard to see the good parts of him that he doesn’t even see himself. I can see that you always try to justify every disappointment and blame it on his situation. I know that you know deep inside, he doesn’t really care about you. He doesn’t go out of his way to talk about what keeps you preoccupied.

He doesn’t ask questions about how you feel about being the one playing therapist for everyone. He switches the topic whenever it gets too heavy and intense. He doesn’t like to deal with the truth behind your words because they are all too real and painful. But still, why do you put up with him? Why do you let him in every time he thinks it’s convenient for him? Why do you drop everything just to attend to his needs? Why?

Why don’t you try to let him chase you? To make him realize that he needs to earn you. To shatter his belief that you are always going to be available for him because you make it too obvious that you love him. Resist the temptation to text him first. To say yes to him every time. Stop updating your social media stories. Let him wonder what you are doing for the day. Let him look for you instead of you always looking for him. He will never see you as a potential partner. He is too blind to see your value. He takes you for granted because you are letting him. Make him realize how much emptier his life would be without you. Without your admirable quirks. Your relentless wisdom. Your priceless smile.

Your subtle yet wild jokes. Your heartwarming poetry and prose that he knows he’ll always love and which no one else could ever give or make him. Let him write you his own because he’s going to wake up one day thinking how important you are to him. Make him realize how big of a hole you will leave if he loses you. Sweetheart, you are more than just his side chick. You deserve more than being hidden away. You deserve more than car rides and movies. Your hand deserves to be held when you are out in public. You deserve kisses, not just in the dark, but anywhere he wants to be. You deserve midday dates on a warm spring day. You deserve so much more than a surreptitious affair. I know you know what an amazing woman like you deserves. And it’s time for you to get all of these. Stop settling for less. And stop trying to please everyone. Be proud of your curves and folds. Someday in your deathbed, you are going to regret living your life for others.

Sincerely,

The One Who Will Always Be There For You