Palmares-Moises: Changing for a loved one

·4 min read

M: Andrea, one of our readers, asked an interesting question. It’s been said that the best product that you can sell is yourself. In our work and even in our relationships, we sometimes, in a way, market ourselves to define or set us apart from the rest so as to highlight our positive and favorable attributes. In the work environment, successful achievers are those who effectively make use of their skills and abilities and are able to present themselves as capable, competent and confident. In relationships, singles have many methods to up their marketability including making themselves more physically attractive. And why not? As my mom said before, “if you don’t show, you don’t sell and if you don’t sell, you rot!” There are many though, who go as far as to change themselves to make them more acceptable to the person they like. Is it okay then, to change yourself for another person?

DJ: Love makes the world go round as they say. Should it change a person? Of course. The world is beautiful as it is imperfect. So are we. Prince Charming has a receding hairline. And Miss Right has Always as her first name. The cool thing is we can be better versions of ourselves. If it’s halitosis, work it out with a dentist. If it’s a TikTok move that’s so not from this decade, do better. Or don’t. And if it’s a subject that does not agree with the verb, consult Google. We’re all special and there are people who love us for who we are. But there is always a room for improvement. And if we want to make a change, it should be because of that person on the mirror, not because it’s a precondition to feel loved.

M: Isn’t it ironic that at the start of a relationship when everything is bright and rosy, lovers would tell each other “stay the way you are.” But when one stays the way he or she is, inevitably the other complains because what was endearingly familiar becomes boring, if not irritating. I agree, if one is to change, he or she must change for herself, and not merely to please the other. Besides, if you change just to suit the other person, there will come a time that you might resent the person that you have become.

DJ: Changing one’s self for the good of a relationship is absolutely fine. Despite people’s romantic-comedy fantasies, there’s hardly a perfect fit between two people. Both parties need to compromise. To adjust. Potential life partners are pretty darn close to our ideal. But more often than not, they don’t behave and decide exactly how we want them to. We can never be that person for anyone, too. The journey together is a constant process of remolding and recasting so two people can be the right fit for each other. What are things a person can change for the other? First are bad habits. Love has to be unconditional but that’s not necessarily a free pass to be a jerk. Second is communication style. It’s a process of growing together to be more spiritually, emotionally and mentally intimate. Third is probably our idea of what a relationship should be instead of what it can be. Our concept of love can evolve as long as it’s for the better for the both of you.

M: Change is good, change is exciting but it must be change only for the better. Generally, men love women who also love their men. For obvious reasons. If a woman does not care for a guy and rejects him for who he is, the guy won’t be feeling the love and will not continue to feel affectionate or loving toward the woman. Men like women who know what they want; women who have an opinion but are not opinionated; women who are interesting but not attention-grabbing and someone who is trustworthy.

DJ: Thanks Mic, for speaking on our behalf! But seriously, it’s a wonderful thing to be with a person who introduces us to new concepts, ideas and experiences. And we’re also an interesting partner if there’s something unique we bring to the table to make the relationship richer. Change is inevitable. Compromise is a massive part of giving and receiving love. Everyone’s concept of a loveable person is different. And if Andrea is changing to become a more understanding, accepting, caring person, then change is positive.

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