M: Kris will be 30 later this year. She’s in a five-year relationship with her boyfriend. Because they’ve been asked several times when they are getting married, and her boyfriend Frank seems to have no plan at all, she’s been responding like she’s a strong, independent woman — that she’s not in a hurry to get married. But the truth is, she is. How can she turn this around? Well, the truth is, Kris can turn this around if she is truthful enough to admit to Frank that she is bothered by the constant questions. After five years of being together, I think she would be comfortable enough to ask Frank where their relationship is going. The sooner she knows, the better. Why? So she can make plans and not constantly wonder whether she is included in Frank’s long-term plans for the future.
DJ: She’s no Liza Soberano and he’s no Enrique Gil. I meant their ages. It’s been five years. And he’s nearing 40. A person who thinks long-term should have introduced her to his family. This will give them a sense of who she is and what their thoughts are about her. Now if he’s got a stable job and is not in a serious life and debt situation but has been showing zero indicators that he’s thinking about settling down, it’s time for Kris to make her move. How about talking about their three-year plan and comparing notes? If marriage is not in his plan and it’s in hers, this will serve as good segue to discuss where it sits.
M: With this pandemic, things are really uncertain. There are no assurances of what can happen in the next several months. There is even no assurance that we will live to see tomorrow. Morbid? Yes. But that is the reality. All things are passing, death is certain and there is no forever. Five years is a long time to determine if a relationship has a future. If you have not talked about it, what have you been talking about? If it’s all sweet nothings, I’m afraid this is not a good indication of where your relationship is headed. All sweet but nothing is still nothing. So, Kris, grab the bull by the horns. Ask the question, don’t pop the question. There is a difference. Ask Frank if he sees himself married to you. Don’t ask him when the wedding date is. But if you can ask both questions, do it! Maybe Frank has been getting mixed signals from your posturing of not wanting to get married, that is he is also cautious on how to proceed.
DJ: A good guy does not let a relationship drift even when he has no intention of making a long-term commitment. He knows that it’s cruel to potentially deny a woman the right to have children and be with someone who loves her. Kris can be honest about her real thoughts. Then she can ask what that means to him and be prepared to accept whatever he says. He can immediately come around and say he wants the same too. Or it might take a while. One month... two months... we never know. And she will have to decide for herself how long she can wait and bring the subject up again when that time comes. At least she’ll know.
M: Don’t speculate that Frank has no plans to get married. He most probably has plans to eventually settle down. The question is, will he be settling down with you? The problem I see between you and Frank is a lack of honest-to-goodness communication. It is possible that after five years of being together, you have not really communicated to the level where he knows you as well as you know yourself and vice versa. Kris, don’t let your age be the issue that you have to get married. It has to be a decision borne out of discernment, a clear understanding of what you want and of course, your love for Frank.
DJ: For a relationship such as this, a person’s views about long-term relationships usually come out naturally. It’s likely for Kris to already have a sense of Frank’s willingness to commit. When she says he seems settled about her press release that she’s not interested in getting married yet, is it because he keeps quiet? Or does he run for the hills or quickly change the subject when the topic of marriage is mentioned by people around them? It’s understandable if she’s at a point in her life in which she’s ready for a husband, not just a boyfriend. And it’s natural for her to want to know whether both of them are on the same page and are on par on the topic. Now if she doesn’t want to wait any longer, well she doesn’t really have to. She’s a strong, independent woman, right?