MICHELLE: Janus is in his 30s. Still unmarried. His best friend Chris is going to be in town this holiday to propose to his girlfriend. He is going to be the best man. But he and Chris had their thing in the past. It started in high school, then was interrupted due to social pressure, then resumed before college graduation but came to an end when Chris left for Seattle. Should Janus make the final attempt for their love story to have its happy ending? N-O. No. If Chris wanted to rekindle their relationship, Chris could have done so before deciding to propose to his girlfriend and getting Janus as the best man.
DJ: Unless if Chris intends to close an unfinished business, that’s for him to initiate. Not Janus. However, it looks like he is moving forward with his life. Thus, I suggest for Janus to get clarity on two things—the wedding and the friendship. Is he comfortable to be the best man? Will it help him move forward? The second is, can they still be friends? It’s usually hard to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for. Every gesture, whether favorable or unfavorable, is magnified. My take? Avoid until the feeling is neutral. His own moving forward can only start when he comes to terms with the reality that the man he loves is marrying someone else. Hanging on to what-ifs will only prolong the pain.
M: Chris has obviously moved on from their relationship in high school and college. Even if it was interrupted, Chris could have decided to continue with it but he did not. Take the cue that Chris has moved on. Your best friend is not the same person that he was before. It is possible that he may have the same inclination but he is proposing to his girlfriend and getting ready to marry her. Why get in the way? The saying “if you love somebody set them free” is a good reminder. If he returns, you are meant to be. But if not and he has found someone else, it is a clear sign that you are not meant for each other.
DJ: For Janus to focus on matters he can’t control (Chris’ decision) will only take his energy and attention away from what he can control (his life). It takes practice. It’s not a done-once-done-for-life thing. It takes discipline. I suggest that he make a list about the wedding and his feelings that are within his control. Then, note those that are beyond him. What steps should he make for those that he can control? How can he remind himself to focus on those rather the things he can’t?
M: If Janus is uncomfortable being best man to his best friend’s wedding, he can tell Chris now. And I think Chris would understand. But if Janus makes an attempt to win Chris back, I think he would just be making things awkward. It will be good to stress that if Chris wanted to take things up like before, he could have done so already. The fact that Chris made him the best man says a lot of how Chris feels toward him. That he is still Chris’ best friend and nothing can ever change that.
DJ: Janus’ predicament can be gut-wrenching. This new year, I wish for his heart to eventually heal and move on. Soon, he’ll get the pieces of his heart back together one bit at a time. There’s just no other way but through. He also needs to remember that while Chris did not choose him, it doesn’t mean that he is not good enough. He is special. He is unique. And he is loved. He’ll just have to open not only his eyes but more importantly, his heart and he’ll see.