DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO...Colin and I started dating during our freshman year in college, and became boyfriend and girlfriend around the middle of that year. We're now both sophomores, and are still together.
The thing is, I'm pretty sure that Colin is gay. I've seen the way he looks at our common friend, Brad, and those are some pretty lovestruck eyes if I ever saw one. He hangs on to Brad's every word, is irritated with Brad even when Brad isn't doing anything, and probably doesn't notice how much he talks about Brad when we're together.
But despite this, I have no problems staying in this relationship with him, at least for now. With him, I don't get forced to do anything physical, because I am not ready for that yet, and he really is great company. When I told my best friend about this, though, she said that I should break up with him and tell him that I think he's gay.
Is this the right thing to do? I don't think it's my right to pull him out of the closet, but my best friend says I'm not exactly helping him out by pretending not to know either. Should I wait until he figures things out by himself, or should I help him along? - Angel
CHICO SAYS...You're a strange cookie. I'm really perplexed at how some women can agree to staying on in a relationship with a guy who doesn't really find them physically appealing. Save for a frisky romp or two, usually accompanied by copious amounts of alcohol, it's pretty much an emotional wasteland for a woman in that position. But I actually get where you're coming from. You're very young, and he represents what a lot of girls your age wants. You get a "harmless" boyfriend, and all the perks that go with it, minus the pressure to put out sexually. So basically you have a BFF under the shroud of a BF. On his part, he actually hit the jackpot, finding a beard which actually knows and doesn't mind his deep dark secret. So on paper, you're both getting what you want, so technically there should be nothing wrong in this seemingly symbiotic relationship.
But in my opinion, there's one major aspect that's missing in this relationship - honesty. If your suspicions are correct, then he's lying to you and using you as a smokescreen. And you're lying to him in pretending you don't know the truth about him, just so you can keep your little comfy set-up. If he opened up to you about his sexuality and you opened up to him about how it's actually convenient for you, and you still mutually agree to stay together, then at least we can file it under different strokes for different folks. I'd still issue a caveat, but at least you both know what you're getting into and going in with your facts straight, even if your boyfriend isn't.
DELAMAR SAYS...I don't think it's right to "pull someone out of the closet." Each gay person knows when the right time is to do that, IF EVER they want to come out. It's nobody's call except theirs.
Having said that, I think you can ask him if he's gay because you ARE in a relationship with him. You have every right to know what he means when he says 'I love you' to you. Is it like how he loves a friend who happens to be a girl or like how a boyfriend loves his girlfriend? The intention here is not to "out" him but to ask if he is in any position to really be a boyfriend to you in every sense of the word. Many girls have agreed to be in relationships with gay men but it's always fair when they know fully well what they are getting into. If they know that a guy is gay and they still enter a relationship with him, then that is their choice. But if a straight girl gets into a relationship with a guy thinking he's straight and then it turns out he's not, then there's deceit involved. And that makes the difference.
Confront him. Have the talk. It's better to know the truth. He also needs to know the truth that you know. And you need to confirm what your gut is telling you. You both could still decide to stay together but you definitely have to be more honest with each other. That's the easiest way to make sure nobody gets hurt.
GINO SAYS...If you're asking me, I honestly don't know why you're still in a relationship with him. If you really think that way, I don't think you're being fair to yourself. You deserve someone who wants you and loves you. If you just want good company, then be his best friend or something.
Here's a question though. Are you absolutely sure about him being gay? I mean, he could just be envious of this Brad fellow. Maybe he wants to be him or something like that. But if you're absolutely sure about it, you definitely shouldn't stay in a relationship with him.
I don't think you should drag him out of the closet though. Maybe you can just ask him why he constantly talks about Brad. However, if you feel that you're both happy in the relationship you have, then it's entirely up to you. But you can only fool yourself for so long.
(Chico, Delle, and Gino welcome your letters. Write to: MByouthsection@gmail.com or the Students and Campuses Facebook Fanpage. Listen to the Kikay Barkada Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)